Have any good fishing jokes ?

[getthenet]

Anybody have any fishing jokes they would like to share ?
                      Here's one,
Old John was leaning over the bar,crying in his beer,"My wife says if I ever go fishing again,she's going to leave me."

"Gee,that's tough,"the bartender answered.

"Yeah,"replied John,wiping a tear from his eye."I'm sure going to miss her."

[crunchie]

Two friends were cleaning a good catch of fish, one says to the other, hope there's no bears around.  His friend says what do you mean, we can run.  You can't outrun a bear he replies.

Don't have to, just need to outrun you!!!!!

[michelle]

[Fort Wisers]

Stolen from the internet but funny just the same...

[CaptainCrappie]

 Q: What is the difference between a fish and a piano?      A: You can't tuna fish.

      C.C.

[Phil Indablank]

Q: What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
A: The Codfather

Q: What do you call a fish without the eye?
A: fsh

Q: What do fish and women have in common?
A: They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them!

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall
A: "Dam!"


A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz.

[Fort Wisers]

Q: What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
A: The Codfather

Q: What do you call a fish without the eye?
A: fsh

Q: What do fish and women have in common?
A: They both stop shaking their tail after you catch them!

Q: What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall
A: "Dam!"


A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish.

One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales.

The baby weighed 21 lbs 13 oz.

LOLOLOLOL they are all good but the doctor one is priceless!
Brent

[getthenet]

What do fish use to get in touch with each other ?
Shell phones ! 

[RHYBAK]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some
condoms.  He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.  The boy quickly offers
to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was the pharmacist."

[Jay Thomas]

Thanks for the smile John. That was a good one!

Jay

[limacharley]

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel.
She doesn't know which one to get
so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.
There is a Walmart "associate" standing there
with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...
can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind,
but if you drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it
from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him,
but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot graphite rod
with Zebco 202 reel and 10-pound test line...
It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that
just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I think it's just what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register.

Going Fishing for Flounder

In the meantime the woman passes gas.
At first she is embarrassed,
but then realizes there is no way
he could tell it was her, being blind,
he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says,Going Fishing for Shark
"That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00,
the duck call is $3.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50.

[RHYBAK]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.  The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.



"We're getting granite counter tops."

[RHYBAK]

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.

A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me..., ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets
tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!

[RHYBAK]

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the heck, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at McDonald's'

[getthenet]

A girl went fishing for the first time with her boyfriend.As they sat in the rowboat on the lake,she asked,"How much was that red and white thing ?"

"Oh,you mean the bobber? That's only about a dime."

"I guess I owe you a dime then.My bobber just sank."